The Story of "Me"

"My story" is not like any other, some of you will be able to identify with the words and some of you will not. I was born (into this body and this world) October 25, 1975.

I don't remember being "born", and I don't recall much of my childhood. From what I've read in studies some children block parts of painful memories as a type of self-defense mechanism in the brain. I do recall some good memories and some bad ones. I grew up in a pretty unstable environment. Not that my parents didn't love me, but a lot of people aren't ready for children, marriage, or even themselves before they make decisions to marry and have kids. But I don't blame them for anything; I read a really good quote once, "if you're parents knew better, they would have done better" and I truly believe that. They were into drugs and alcohol and partied a lot when I was really young. Me and my sister were put in a foster home when we were young, I don't recall exactly why but my grandparents got us out and raised us for a few years while my parents "figured things out". They divorced when I was 12, my father took custody. My mother, left and we didn't see her for awhile (she partied a lot) and my father was still struggling with alcohol. He quit years later as did my mom (after on and off prescription and illegal drug battles) and today they are much healthier, happier people.

You see, we are all products of our environment, you were born into this world knowing only life (which is ironic even as an adult because that is all we are) and were shown, by those who raised and influenced us, to act and react to "life" the way they did. This is called "past-conditioning" of the mind. Most people think that they are their past, these conditioned thought-patterns (which are mostly repetitive, even psychologists have discovered that over 99% of human thought is repetitive an unnecessary), but we're much more than that.

But back to "me". I grew up with a lot of abuse, verbal and physical. A lot of it felt like psychological torture, and a lot of it was. When you grow up experiencing first-hand such disfunction in others it really messes you up (the way you perceive and react to the world and the people in it). I never understood that more than I do now. Those same conditioned-thoughts that "made me who I was" (so I thought for a long time) forced me to make unhealthy decisions, and push people out of my life. It also made me attract other unconscious people. For disfunction attracts disfunction like a magnet. I dealt with a lot of things, fear, depression, sadness, guilt, anxiety. I remember having my first suicidal thought at 17, lying on my bed holding a big hunting knife to my chest and wanting to shove it in. I just wanted all the pain and heartache to go away. I had a great realization that same year (at 17)...there was something more to me, I couldn't put my finger on it...but I had to get out of that small town and find out what it was.

Years passed and now I'm around 29/30...for about a year I'm done convincing myself "my past is who I am, my problems and issues are who I am". I'm tired of pushing people out of my life, being angry all the time (me against the world) and hating myself. I WANT TO CHANGE. I pick up a book an ex gave me over a year ago. I remember she said "you should read this"...but it wasn't time (there is a force greater than us that controls our fate I believe, this is just one example). The book was "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and it's the first book that started a change in me that I will never forget and always be thankful for.

I started to realize I was, in fact, more than my past, more than my conditioned thinking. Over the years I started to buy more "self-help" books, trying to etch away at my issues, like an artist trying to create a beautiful sculpture out of a rough mold. Then, I ran across a book that gave me the realest truth you could ever know, and (I feel) the very secret to life. It was "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle.

I realized (and confirmed through various sources of scientific material, studies, and internet research over the years) that we are, in fact, conscious energy. You are not this body you see in the mirror every day. You are the life-force that animates this body, and you are part of and are (in essence) the life-force of the universe and a higher-intelligence (call it "God" or whatever word you can associate with that). That we are essentially all one and the same, and that everything we perceive to be "reality" is just created by our limited sense of perception (sight/sound/taste/touch/smell). But don't take my word for it, do your own research and come to your own conclusions. I more often go with what I "feel" is right or true than just reading or hearing something and believing it intellectually.

The most significant and precious thing about humans is choice. We can choose to stay in this conditioned mind-set, letting our mind and thoughts control us, our emotions, our decisions, our life. Or, we can choose to realize we are and part of something much greater than our minds, than our past, than whatever we can perceive. We can choose to go above ego (judging people and situations, feeling the need to be "right"), to be aware of our thought pattern (repetitive, negative thinking), and most importantly, we can choose to be in the present moment (not always looking for the next moment, leaving the past behind, not associating with past or future). This is the story of "me".